The Gen-over
by sakikui
Summary: It's Naruto's bachelor party, and groomsmen Konohamaru, Gaara and Sai wake up in the hotel room unable to remember anything and missing Naruto. It's EXACLY what it sounds like.
1. Chapter 1

"Naruto Uzumaki getting married...pinch me! I'm dreaming!" said Ino. Sakura, TenTen and Hinata giggled.

"You girls take care of Hinata, all right?" said Naruto. Hinata giggled and blushed, still unable to believe her marriage to Naruto was only a few days away. "What are you girls going to do, anyways?"

"Oh, you know, boring girl stuff," said Sakura.

"Drink some wine, watch some sappy movies," said TenTen.

"Get lap dances from muscle hunks," said Ino.

"SHHH!" Sakura and TenTen gasped, clasping a hand over Ino's mouth.

"She's kidding," said Sakura. "We're going to eat sushi and talk about our feelings."

"Yeah, we're just going to have a quiet night too," said Naruto. "Drink some beer, play some cards. Typical guy stuff."

"WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!" shouted someone driving by in a bright red vehicle. "NARUTO! NARUTO UZUMAKI! LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!" The vehicle made an abrupt turn and pulled up to the entrance to the Hyuuga compound where the group was gathered. The top folded down, and they saw it was driven by Konohamaru. Gaara was in the passenger seat, looking terrified.

"Konohamaru! You rented a car?" Naruto asked. Cars were a new relatively new invention, made for civilians by civilians. Kakashi was the only ninja they knew that had one.

Konohamaru lifted his sunglasses and grinned. "Hell yeah! Check her out! One of the only cars in Konoha, and she's ours for the night!"

"But, do we _need_ a car? We can get wherever we want quickly enough on our own. Besides, we're not going to be going anywhere," said Naruto.

"What did you mean? What'd you think we were going to do, sit around eating sushi and talking about our feelings?" Konohamaru blew a raspberry. "Boring! Bro, I got us the hook up. We are going to Senju's Palace!"

"Senju's Palace? I thought we were just going to chill out at my apartment," said Naruto.

"Bruh," said Konohamaru. "Your apartment is barely big enough for us. Where are we gonna put all the booze and girls?"

"Girls? What girls?" asked Naruto.

"Yeah, what girls?" asked Hinata.

"Bruuhhhh!" Konohamaru complained. "Okay, fine, no girls, but we've gotta go to Senju's. You're a freaking hero, bro. You deserve a party fit for a king."

"Hmmm," said Naruto. Senju's Palace was a casino Tsunade had started after she retired from being Hokage. It was supposed to be the height of luxury in the Land of Fire. "Okay, we'll go to Senju's. But we've gotta go back to my place and get Sai."

"SAI?!" Konohamaru whined. " _Sai_ 's in your wedding party?! Of all the awesome people you know, you pick _Sai_?! So we have to hang out with _Sai_ all night? Bruhh!"

"Hey, Sai was my teammate on Team Seven when Sasuke left. I've been on a lot of missions with him, and I know he's awkward, but he's really great when you get to know him. Give him a chance, will ya? If I'd picked my party based on first impressions, you wouldn't be here either," Naruto explained.

"What about hundredth impressions?" Sakura muttered. "Alright, you guys have fun...but not too much fun..."

Naruto and Hinata kissed goodbye, and Naruto got in the back seat of Konohamaru's car. Konohamaru slammed on the accelerator and sped towards Naruto's apartment, dodging civilians along the way.

"THANKS FOR COMING TO STAND UP AT MY WEDDING, GAARA!" Naruto yelled to Gaara up front. He had to yell because the whip of the wind in their face, the roar of the motor, and the booming of Konohamaru's music were drowning out all other sounds.

"WHATCHA GONNA DO WITH ALL THAT JUNK, ALL THAT JUNK INSIDE YOUR TRUNK?!" Konohamaru asked the world.

"NO THANKS NECESSARY, NARUTO! YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND!" Gaara shouted back.

"IMMA GONNA GET GET GET YOU DRUNK, GET YOU LOVE DRUNK OFF MY HUMP!" Konohamaru declared. "You guys know what I'm talking about, _right?_ So, Gaara, you're the Kazekage. I'm sure you are swimming in booty, right?"

"I'm...a very busy man," said Gaara.

"Right! My man!" Konohamaru said, presenting his fist to Gaara. Gaara wasn't sure what to do, but when he closed his fist in response, Konohamaru pounded it. Naruto giggled because Gaara actually wasn't that much older than Konohamaru, but they were light-years apart in terms of experience and maturity. Konohamaru had just turned 21 and realized two very important things that were now consuming his life: a) he liked booze and b) girls found him attractive. Iruka and Kakashi had grown concerned about Konohamaru's recklessness and had asked Naruto to help steer him in the right direction, but Konohamaru was quite stubborn. Still, Naruto knew that Konohamaru would always have his back in a pinch, so he was the clear pick to fill the last spot in Naruto's wedding party, much to Sakura's disapproval.

"So, is it true what they say about Suna girls?" Konohamaru asked Gaara.

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about," said Gaara.

"Oh, come on, you know!" Konohamaru said. "They don't wear underwear on account of it being so hot in the desert?"

"I'm afraid I'm not familiar with the undergarment traditions of females from my home village," said Gaara.

"They sunbathe topless, right?" asked Konohamaru.

"Not that I've witnessed, no," said Gaara.

"Man," said Konohamaru. "You're no help at all! But you must know this. Isn't it true that Kazekages used to keep harems of women all to themselves?"

"That barbaric practice has long been extinct," said Gaara, growing annoyed.

"Shame," said Konohamaru.

They arrived at Naruto's apartment building. Sai was sitting alone with a bag of chips and an untouched bowl of dip. He was reading _The Tales of an Utterly Gutsy Shinobi._

"Naruto!" Sai said happily. "Welcome to your party! And hello, Lord Gaara!" He stood up and bowed. "And hello, Konohamaru. I have very much been looking forward to this night. It will be...what's the word?... _fun._ Thank you very much for including me in your party of the wedding."

"Alright, load up the beer and the food!" said Konohamaru. "Geez, Sai, you didn't even dent the dip!"

"I prefer plain chips," said Sai.

Konohamaru grabbed one and took a giant blob of dip from the bowl, so much that not all of the dip made it into his mouth. "Well, at leasht you beehn dwinking wodka," Konohamaru said with a full mouth.

"Oh, no," said Sai. "This is water. But I also made a festive party punch."

"With vodka?" asked Konohamaru.

"No," said Sai.

"BRUHHHH...!"

"Thank you so much, Sai," said Naruto. "We're moving the party though. Konohamaru got us a room at Senju's Palace!"

"OHHHHH!" said Sai. "That is a good idea!"

"Yeah?" Konohamaru said. "Alright, my man! SENJU'S PALACE!"

"I am so sorry that I couldn't do more for the party, Naruto," said Gaara.

"It's fine. You live hundreds of miles away," said Naruto.

"I know, but still, as the best man..."

"WHAT?!" interjected Konohamaru. Naruto cringed. "He's the best man?! But you're like my bro, bro!"

"I'm sorry, Konohamaru!" said Naruto. "I thought I told you." Konohamaru looked like a wounded puppy. "You _are_ like a brother to me, Konohamaru, but Gaara and I have been through a lot together. We're tailed beast brothers."

"Ohhh, I see," said Konohamaru. "It's because he's a jinchuuriki. I got it."

"Do not feel bad, Konohamaru," said Sai. "If Sasuke were here, it would be Sasuke."

Konohamaru cracked a smile. "You right, you right. We're all just Sasuke placeholders. Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke!"

"Stop, guys," said Naruto. "That's not...necessarily...true."

Gaara raised an eyebrow at him, "Oh, REALLY?!"

"What?! What'd I say?! Ahhh, come on, guys! Why are we even talking about this? This is supposed to be a fun night. Come on, let's go have fun," said Naruto, walking out the door.

Konohamaru stopped the others and whispered, "Alright, pool. How many drinks until he starts crying over Sasuke?"

"Hmmm," said Gaara, "I'll give him two."

"Drinks?" asked Sai. "He doesn't need drinks. Just bring it up enough."

"I CAN STILL HEAR YOU!" shouted Naruto.

* * *

"HOL' UP, HOL' UP, HOL' UP WE DEM BOYZ! HOL' UP, WE DEM BOYZ! C'mon, sing with me! HOL' UP HOL' UP HOL' UP, ehhh...nevermind...," Konohamaru said dejectedly as they rolled into Senju's Palace. Tsunade had really outdone herself when she made the place. It was constructed of white marble and had statues of Hashirama and Tobirama on either side of the entrance.

"Wow," said Sai. "So this is where the Senju clan lives?"

"No, Sai," said Naruto. "This is where Tsunade and a bunch of desperate gamblers live."

"It is very nice," said Sai.

Konohamaru handed the keys to the valet, and they headed towards the entrance. Konohamaru slapped on his headband and chunin vest. "Konohamaru, what are you doing? We're not on a mission," said Naruto.

"Speak for yourself," said Konohamaru. "Girls go wild for the ninja uniform."

Naruto ripped the headband off him. "No! I'm not letting you abuse the honor of the Hidden Leaf symbol that way!"

"When the hell did you turn into a buzzkill?" Konohamaru said. "Damn! You used to be fun as shit. Remember sexy jutsu?"

Naruto grinned. "Oh, I'm not above using sexy jutsu."

"My man," said Konohamaru, bumping fists with Naruto.

"Dare I ask what sexy jutsu is?" Gaara said.

"You'll see," Naruto said with a wink.

"Well, well, well," said Konohamaru. "The 'best friend' doesn't know Naruto Uzumaki's signature jutsu."

Gaara rolled his eyes and made no comment, holding the door open for the rest of the party. Konohamaru blew a raspberry at him as he passed.

They procured their room keys and took a stroll through the casino where they saw some familiar faces.

"Kiba! Shino!" Naruto called. The pair was playing slots. They turned around in shock and horror.

"Ahhhh, fuck!" said Kiba. "I didn't know you guys were coming here!"

"Well, gee, nice to see you too, Kiba," said Naruto.

"SHHH!" Shino ordered, clasping his hand over Naruto's mouth. "We're on a mission," he whispered. "Nobody can know we're ninja, or we'll blow our cover."

"Ohhh," said Naruto. "Gotcha. But how would anyone know you're nin-how would anyone know just because we're talking?"

"Uhhh, you're kinda recognizable, dude," said Kiba. Naruto looked around. Plenty of people had already inconspicuously-not-so-inconspicuously gathered around to see whether or not that really was Naruto Uzumaki and the Kazekage.

"Point taken," said Naruto, "but if you finish early, you should join us for a drink."

"Sure," said Kiba. "Have fun!"

"Good luck!' Naruto returned.


	2. Chapter 2

A chicken clucked across the room. It slipped on a pile of porn magazines before pecking at the red straw-like hair of the Kazekage who was passed out face first in a bowl of popcorn. The chicken plucked out a kernel and strutted on. It walked over a scroll bearing drawings of naked women. The scroll was blanketing Sai, a steady stream of drool flowing from his mouth, stilettos strapped to his feet. A half-deflated sex doll fell off a stack of pizza boxes and startled the chicken, who landed on the lap of Konohamaru, who was handcuffed to a floor lamp with his headband hanging loosely around his neck. His pants were pinned to the ceiling with a kunai, along with a bra. The chicken then caught a whiff of nachos spoiling in the kitchen, but the nachos were buried underneath too many empty and partially empty booze bottles, so the chicken concluded there was nothing to see here and flew out through the open window. It landed momentarily on a mattress that was inexplicably resting on Hashirama Senju's head before drifting to the ground and crossing the road.

Gaara lifted his head out of the popcorn bowl and took in his surroundings. A sharp pain throbbed in his head, and he massaged his tattoo. "Fuuuuuuuuuuuck...," he whispered. He pushed himself off the floor, stumbled over the pile of porn mags, and made his way to the bathroom. He turned on the light, but when the light hit his eyes, it felt like he was being punched in the skull, so he turned it off and just relied on the light from the window. He pulled down his pants and took a satisfying hangover morning piss. Someone grumbled behind him. "Hold on," he said. "Just a little more."

"rrrrrrrrRAWR!"

Gaara, not bothering to pull up his pants, turned around and saw a full-grown tiger sitting in the jacuzzi. He stared at the animal for a good while, processing. He reached for his kunai and realized he had none on him. "N-NARUTO!" Gaara cried, leaving his pants behind as he bolted out of the bathroom. He tripped over Sai who was hidden beneath his scroll. Sai opened his eyes and was also hit with a sharp pain in his head.

"Kazekage," he said, "what happened?"

"There is a tiger in the bathroom," said Gaara.

Sai giggled. "Ooops. My bad. I will put it back." Sai started rolling up the scroll, and looking at its contents, muttered, "Ohhh myyy..."

"I don't think it's one of yours. It's real," said Gaara.

"That is silly," said Sai. He pushed himself off the ground and walked casually to the bathroom.

"RAWR!"

"Oh my," said Sai, closing the door. "That's a real tiger."

"I told you," said Gaara.

"Why is there a naked drawing of Sasuke Uchiha on my scroll?" asked Sai.

"Sai," said Gaara, rubbing his temple again, "do you remember _anything_ from last night?"

Sai thought for a moment. "I remember coming here...and we started drinking...and..."

"...and?" asked Gaara.

Sai stared blankly at Gaara. "Are you missing a tooth?"

"What?" said Gaara, sticking his fingers in his mouth. "Oh my god. Holy shit. I'm missing a tooth."

"WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Konohamaru whistled. "Oh, shit! Hahaha! Wooo! Damn! BAHAHAHAHA!"

"Konohamaru," Gaara said.

"Damn, look at this place! Wowza!" Konohamaru said. "And look at me! I'm handcuffed to a floor lamp!"

"Konohamaru," Gaara said.

"Oh, holy shit, you're missing a tooth," said Konohamaru. "And we're both pantsless. Up top, brother!" He held out a hand for a high-five, but Gaara didn't return it.

"Konohamaru, this isn't funny," said Gaara. "There's a tiger in the bathroom."

"No shit?" asked Konohamaru, who burst into laughter. "No shit! I gotta see this! Ughh...anyone know where the keys to this thing is? Hehe..." Gaara unlocked the handcuffs with his sand, and Konohamaru walked happily to the bathroom.

"RAWR!"

"No way!" Konohamaru exclaimed. "Dude, look at this thing! It's huge! That's what she said, HA!" He came back carrying Gaara's pants. "Are these yours, bro?"

"Thanks," Gaara said coldly. "Konohamaru, this isn't funny. This place is a disaster, and neither me nor Sai can remember anything that happened last night."

"It's a little funny," said Konohamaru. "Relax, bro. I got this. The room's in my name. I'll cover any damages." He jumped up and retrieved his own pants from the ceiling. "Damn, I wonder who's bra this is?"

"Konohamaru, I'm missing a tooth, and there's a tiger in the bathroom," said Gaara.

"Looks like a C cup. Noice!"

"Are you listening?" Gaara scolded. "Tooth, tiger..."

"Baby," Sai said.

"Tooth, tiger, ba-BABY?!" Gaara echoed.

"Woah, dudes, getting a little _too_ close there, don't you think?" Konohamaru said.

"There's a baby in the closet!" Sai reported.

Gaara placed his hand over his mouth, grabbed a wastebasket from the kitchen, and barfed.

"Lemme see this," Konohamaru said, moving to where Sai was standing. "Awww!" he cooed. "Look at Konohamaru Junior!"

"Oh, I didn't know you had a son," said Sai.

"I don't. That I know of," said Konohamaru. "Ha! A baby in the closet. That's fucked up, man!"

"NARUTO!" Gaara shouted. "For the love of god, Naruto, wake up! NARUTO! NARUTO!" He rushed around the suite, overturning furniture, opening cabinets and closets, even re-entering the bathroom. "Oh god. Guys. Where's Naruto?"

Sai and Konohamaru looked at each other, then back at Gaara, and shrugged. Gaara's blood boiled, and sand swirled around him. He screamed, sending it flying in random directions.

"Bro," said Konohamaru, putting his hand on Gaara's shoulder. "Don't throw your dirt around, please. This room's in my name. I gotta cover the damages, kay?"

Gaara clenched his fist and exhaled, imagining his sand wrapping around Konohamaru's throat. "Okay," he said, sitting down and crossing his arms. "What are we going to do?"

"We're gonna retrace our steps and find our boy," said Konohamaru. "We're ninja, right? We can handle this."

"The wedding is tomorrow," said Gaara.

"I know," said Konohamaru. "So, we arrived at Senju's Palace. We talked to those guys on Hinata's team. We came up here. Then we...?"

"I believe the term is 'got lit,'" Sai finished.

Konohamaru smiled. "Yes, lit. But we obviously didn't stay here."

Gaara itched his arm, then gasped. "We went to the hospital!"

"The hospital? That doesn't sound very lit," Konohamaru said.

Gaara held up his arm. "I have a hospital ID tag."

"Ohhhh!" Konohamaru said. "Good job, Kazekage! We'll start at the hospital, then?"

"It's a start," agreed Sai.

"Then what are we waiting for?" Konohamaru asked. "Bring Konohamaru Junior."

"We're not calling him Konohamaru Junior," said Gaara.

"Fine, Kazekage, what would you call him?" asked Konohamaru.

"We're not calling him anything," said Gaara, "because we're not keeping him."

"Let's just call him Boy," said Sai.

"Ugh, no, don't call him something so literal," said Konohamaru.

"You are the grandson of the Third Hokage of Konoha, and your name is the ship of Konoha," Sai pointed out.

"What? Don't be silly, I'm Konohamaru! That's Kon-oh...really, that's what my name means? Well, damn, that's gay," said Konohamaru.

"This is a waste of time. Naruto could be anywhere, and we're arguing over the name of a child that isn't ours. Give me the child," Gaara ordered.

"You got it, boss," said Konohamaru. "C'mon, Lil' Playa."

The baby was strapped into a sling that you could wear over your body. Gaara rolled his eyes at Konohamaru as he put on the sling. "Thanks, Leaf Ship," said Gaara.

"Fuck you, Wind Shadow. UGH! Wind Shadow! That's so fucking cool! Why didn't anyone ever tell me I had such a lame-ass name?" Konohamaru continued ranting as they walked out the door.


	3. Chapter 3

Gaara and Sai held their foreheads as the morning sun assaulted their eyes. Konohamaru returned with a sheepish look on his face.

"What's wrong?" asked Gaara.

"Nothing," said Konohamaru unconvincingly. "I got the keys. Let's go to the hospital and get some answers."

They followed Konohamaru to the car. Gaara stopped. "Unbelievable," he said.

"What?" asked Konohamaru.

Gaara glared. "You know what. This isn't our car."

"It isn't?" said Konohamaru. "Huh. I hadn't noticed..."

"Shut up," said Gaara. "You know just as well as I do this isn't our car."

"Ugh, fine, you're right. But these keys are in our name, so..."

"Oh no no no no," said Gaara. "These keys are in _your_ name. _You're_ the one who got the car. _You're_ the one who wanted to come here. _You're_ the one who had to get lit. _We_ were just along for the ride. _We_ wanted to spend a quiet night with our friend, Naruto. The whole reason any of us are here, remember? This isn't about you, this was never about you, so quit fucking around!"

" _Damn_ , what did I _do_ to you?" Konohamaru said.

"I don't know! _That's the fucking problem!_ " Gaara shouted.

The baby started to cry.

"Look what you did. You scared Pikachu," Konohamaru said.

"COPY NIN," Sai read, staring at the mysterious car's license plate. "Hey, guys, I think this is Kakashi's car."

Gaara patted the baby's head and glared at Konohamaru. "Like I said. Your name."

* * *

"IS IT TOO LATE FOR ME TO SAY SORRY?" Konohamaru sang as he drove. Gaara and Sai stared out opposite windows. Konohamaru turned off the radio and pouted.

* * *

Shizune's face lit up when she saw the boys. "Lord Gaara! Sai! Konohamaru!" she exclaimed. She looked behind them and frowned. "Where's Naruto?"

"So Naruto was here?" asked Gaara.

"Yeah," said Shizune. "You were all super giddy. You were talking about..." Shizune blushed. "Nevermind. How's your tooth, Gaara? And whose baby is this? He's cute."

"Uhhh," said Gaara, "it's a long story. Or so we think."

"We don't remember anything that we did last night," said Sai.

Shizune's jaw dropped, and then she threw back her head and laughed. "Sounds like you guys had a good time!"

"THANK YOU!" shouted Konohamaru. "See? Everything is fine! These two squares are all freaking out because we can't find Naruto and there was this strange baby in our room. But it's funny, right?"

"Ummm, okay, woah, maybe I should run some tests," said Shizune. "If you guys really drank that much, you'd probably be dead."

"So you're saying this is more than just alcohol?" asked Gaara.

"Take a seat," said Shizune. "I'm going to test something. Be right back." She scurried into a nearby room.

"Great," said Gaara. "We've probably been drugged."

"Now how would that have happened?" asked Konohamaru.

"I don't know," said Gaara. "That's the fucking problem!"

"There are many drugs that could have done this," agreed Sai. "I learned all about them in ANBU. Or we were under mind control. Who would have done this?"

"We don't know," said Gaara.

"That's the fucking problem," said Konohamaru.

Shizune reappeared and slapped a seal on Gaara's head. The seal turned green. "It's genjutsu," said Shizune.

"What kind of genjutsu?" asked Gaara.

"Oh, could be anything," said Shizune, "but the good news is it's wearing off. The color would be dark green if you were still under it. Ugh, I wish I'd tested you when you came in last night. I could have broken it. Now you just have to wait it out."

"So you're saying our memories will come back?" asked Sai.

"Maybe, the more time passes," said Shizune. "But I wouldn't count on it. You're going to have to just keep retracing your steps like you are now."

"Shizune, you said we were talking about something when we came in last night. What was it?" asked Konohamaru.

"Ohhh," sad Shizune with a groan. "You guys were all pumped about going to a strip club."

* * *

The Kinky Kunoichi did not, of course, actually feature kunoichi as performers, nor did actual ninja frequent the place. Well, actual ninja _usually_ didn't frequent the place.

"KONOHAMARU!" the bouncer shouted with glee upon seeing his favorite patron. The pair fist-bumped. "My man! Already back for more, dawg? You know we got your favorite booth clean for you!"

"Unbelievable," Gaara muttered under his breath.

"Hey, Goku, what's up, dawg?" asked the bouncer, offering Gaara his fist.

"I think he is talking to you," Sai whispered. "Sir, his name's not-"

Gaara slapped his hand over Sai's mouth so forcefully, Sai nearly lost a tooth as well. "Yes, _dawg_ , hello. I am Goku."

"And this motherfucker," said the bouncer, turning to Sai. "This motherfucker is the craziest guy I've ever met!" The bouncer threw his arms around Sai and clapped him heartily on the back.

"I knew this would be the place!" Konohamaru said happily. "Kaito, we need some help. What happened while we were here last night?"

Kaito laughed in Konohamaru's face. "What _didn't_ you guys do is the better question! The girls were missing you for sure when you left."

"Did we have another guy with us? Blonde, blue eyes, whisker birthmarks, annoying voice?"

"Oh yeah, that guy! The one who was just kinda sitting back and watching on account of being engaged and all. What about him?"

"He left with us, right?" Konohamaru pressed.

"Oh yeah, he left with you. You, Sai, Goku, and Hana, of course, hehe."

"Hana?" Konohamaru asked. "Who's Hana?"

"Oh, come on, man," said Kaito. "You seriously don't remember?" He turned to Gaara. "But Goku here remembers, riiiight?"

"Kaito," Konohamaru whispered, a huge smile forming on his face, "is Hana a stripper?"

"Oh no," said Gaara. "Oh no oh no oh no..."

* * *

"GAARA'S IN LOVE WITH A STRIPPER!" sang Konohamaru.

"Shut up," said Gaara.

"I don't get it," said Konohamaru. "You're living the dream. Be happy."

"I am a Kazekage!" Gaara snapped. "If anyone found out about this, I'd be ruined!"

"Turn right," said Sai, navigating from the passenger seat. "It's here."

"Geez, this is worse than Naruto's place," said Konohamaru. It was a pretty sketchy neighborhood they had turned into. The apartment complex was falling apart at the seams. "You're sure, Sai?"

"3874 Fugu Court," said Sai. "This is it."

They stepped out of the car cautiously and climbed the stairs to Hana's apartment door. Gaara took a deep breath and knocked. "I bet this is all just a big misunderstanding," he said.

"GOKU!" the woman squealed. She grabbed Gaara by the back of his neck and jammed her tongue down his throat.

"Can't misunderstand that," said Konohamaru.

Gaara stared at Hana, and his face softened. She was a few inches shorter than him, with long, wavy, chestnut brown hair and bright blue eyes. She wore a simple black dress that hugged her ample curves.

"Thank you so much for watching Otokonoko last night," Hana said, picking up the baby out of the sling. She immediately pulled down a strap of her dress and started to nurse Otokonoko.

"You can do that?" Sai whispered. Konohamaru snickered, and Gaara shot them both a warning glare.

Hana, however, laughed. "Oh, Sai, you're so funny! It's so nice to see you all again. Where's Totoro?"

"Who?" asked Gaara.

"Don't be silly," said Hana. "The one who's getting married!"

"OHHHH!" laughed Gaara. "Of course, Totoro, that's totally his real name, like mine's Goku...yeah, erm, actually, we were hoping you could help us with that." He motioned for the others to step back and followed Hana inside her apartment.

"He likes her," said Konohamaru.

"What is not to like? She is beautiful," agreed Sai.

"And free with her body," Konohamaru said with a sigh. "How much do you wanna bet they're gonna fuck?"

Sai looked at the door for a moment, then said, "I would bet all the things."

"Hey, look, someone else has a car!" Konohamaru said, pointing. The red car was pulling into the apartment complex parking lot. "It looks just like the one we had last night, how about that?"

"KONOHAMARU SARUTOBI!" shouted an angry voice. A kunai whizzed between Konohamaru and Sai's heads, and Kakashi Hatake stepped out of the driver's seat.

"I just shat myself," said Konohamaru.

"Me too," said Sai.

"GAARA! I mean, GOKU! PULL OUT! WE NEED YOU!" Konohamaru yelled, knocking on the door.

Gaara cracked open the door. "What?" he growled.

"We need diplomatic expertise," Konohamaru said.

"And can I please use your stripper's bathroom?" asked Sai. "It is an emergency."

"Dude, did you _really_ shit yourself?" Konohamaru said. "Gross, bro!"

"It is a natural bodily reaction to having the Hokage throw a sharp object at you," said Sai.

"The Hokage? Now? Hell," said Gaara. "Okay, erm, Hana, sweetie, we need to go, but I'll be back for you, I promise!"

"Ohhh," Hana whined. "Okay, Goku. See you tonight?"

"Yes, of course," said Gaara. He kissed her again before exiting the apartment. He was carrying a small book.

"What are we going to tell Kakashi?" asked Konohamaru.

"I don't know," said Gaara, "I was thinking, umm, the truth?"

"THE TRUTH?!" shouted Konohamaru. "How did you ever get to be Kazekage? Oh man, we're so dead!"

"As opposed to what, lying to the Hokage and being in double-jeopardy later? Wow, you seriously are that dumb! I thought maybe it was just an act, but geez," said Gaara.

"Oh, don't be acting like you're so above me now, Mr. Stripper Banger," said Konohamaru.

Gaara punched Konohamaru in the stomach. Konohamaru threw up a little.

"Oh no...," said Sai, who got out of the damn way.

"Don't talk about my wife like that," Gaara ordered.

"Your...wife? Your WIFE?! Oh, good LORD!" Konohamaru exclaimed even managing to laugh. "Gaara married a stripper! THE KAZEKAGE MARRIED A STRIP-!"

Gaara smacked Konohamaru's face, and Konohamaru fell to the ground. "You will not disrespect me or my wife anymore. Got it?"

"You're serious right now," Konohamaru said. "C'mon, man! Chill! You'll get a divorce, nobody will ever have to know that the Kaze-!" Gaara raised his foot, and Konohamaru grabbed it, flipping Gaara onto his back.

"Konohamaru, you just laid out the Kazekage," Sai said.

"Oh shit," said Konohamaru. "Oh shit oh shit oh shit." Gaara was crying. "Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit," Konohamaru said. "Hey, man, I didn't mean to hurt you! I'm really strong, I-"

"You did not hurt me," said Gaara. "I do not get hurt. Not physically." He sat up and wailed. "Being the Kazekage...is HARD!"

Konohamaru and Sai stared at each other, at a loss for what to do. "I...uhhh...yeah, man...," struggled Konohamaru.

"Do you want to talk about it?" asked Sai, sitting down next to Gaara. "My friendship books say that when your friend is sad, you should listen to them. So I am listening." He nodded to Konohamaru.

Konohamaru sat down next to Sai. "Me too," said Konohmaru. "So, you married, a strip...a lady you met while you were drunk. What do you think about that?"

"Hana said I was fun," said Gaara. "Look at these pictures," he said, opening the little black book. "Look at how happy we are!"

"Of course, man," said Konohamaru. "She's a foxy lady. I mean, I looked happy too, and I wasn't even the one who got to sleep with her!"

"You are always so happy, Konohamaru," said Gaara. "You don't have to worry about anything."

"No, man, I got worries," said Konohamaru.

"You don't hold the fate of your village in your hand every single day! Look, Konohamaru, look at these pictures! Look at me! Do you ever see me smile like that?" asked Gaara.

"I mean...," said Konohamaru. "We were drunk and high on the genjutsu."

"Gaara does not ever smile," said Sai.

Gaara wailed again.

"KONOHAMARU SARUTOBI!" Kakashi's voice boomed. The Hokage's shadow fell over the trio.

Konohamaru stood up. "Hey, yo, Hokage, Imma let you finish, but my boy Gaara here is having a moment. So we would really appreciate it if you could give us a little space to talk through some shit, and then you're free to scold us as much as you want."

The Hokage slapped some car keys and a scroll into Konohamaru's hand. "One year of D-rank missions," he growled.

"That is fair," said Konohamaru. "Sai?"

Sai bowed his head. "Honorable Hokage, we thank you for your mercy."

Gaara wrapped his arms around Sai and sobbed.

Once Kakashi left, Konohamaru said, "Alright, dude. So you married a strip-a random girl you met while fucked up at a bar. It happens."

"It does?" Sai whispered. Konohamaru nudged Sai, and then Sai said, "Oh, yes, of course. I do this at least once a week." He winked at Konohamaru, who facepalmed.

"Look, bro, what we're trying to say is, yeah, you're the Kazekage, and that's a big fucking deal, but guess what? You're human too! And that really sucks sometimes. But with good friends at your side, it doesn't have to always suck. You are too hard on yourself. Hey, Gaara, give me your hand."

Gaara looked up and glared at him. "I do not hold hands with men."

"I'm not asking...ugh...there you go again, being all uptight! Just give me your hand. No homo."

"No homo," agreed Gaara, complying.

"Okay, now you're gonna make a fist," said Konohamaru, pushing Gaara's fingers together.

"I know how to make a fist," said Gaara.

"Now take this special finger...this one here..." Konohamaru started lifting Gaara's middle finger out of the fist. "...and repeat after me: 'fuck it all!'"

"Fuck you," Gaara said.

"There you go! That's good!" said Konohamaru. "What else?"

"Fuck responsibilities," said Gaara. "Fuck paperwork. Fuck always having to be right. Fuck whiny brat genin. Fuck fangirls."

"I like it! I like it!" Konohamaru exclaimed. "Fuck genjutsu!"

"Fuck Danzo!" Sai shouted.

"Fuck creepy puppets!" Gaara said.

"Fuck D-rank missions!" Konohamaru said.

"Fuck missions! Fuck diplomacy!" Gaara cried.

"Fuck the Hokage!" Sai added.

"WOAH!" Konohamaru said, pushing Sai's finger down. "No! Bad Sai!"

"Yeah, but fuck Daimyos, man," Gaara said.

"Ugh, amen to that, my brother," said Konohamaru.

"And fuck anyone who says I can't marry a stripper if I want to!"

"PREACH!" Konohamaru shouted. "Wait, no, dude, fuck marriage, man."

* * *

"I see you driving around town with the girl I love..." sang Konohamaru.

"And I'm like FUCK YOU!" Sai and Gaara finished.

"So, you really think you're going to stick with the marriage?" asked Konohamaru.

"I am an old-fashioned man," said Gaara. "Marriage is a commitment. I will take her home and give her a better life."

"Does she know you're the Kazekage?" asked Sai.

"No," Gaara said.

"Oh, that is probably something she should know," Sai said.

"Yes, but first, we must find Naruto," said Gaara.

"NARUTO!" Konohamaru shouted out the window. "NARUTO! NINE-TAILS! HERE, JINCHUURIKI! NARUTOHHHHH!"

"Woof!"

"WOOF!" Konohamaru echoed. "Wait, why are we barking?"

"We did not bark," said Sai.

"Woof!"

"It sounded like it came from...the trunk?" asked Gaara.

"Oh fuck," said Sai.

They pulled into Senju's Palace and cautiously walked to the back of the car. "Well, here goes nothing," said Konohamaru, opening the trunk. He was attacked by a white ball of fluff.

"Akamaru!" Sai exclaimed, throwing his arms around the dog. Akamaru finished licking Konohamaru and licked Sai. The dog sniffed Gaara before determining him friendly and offering him a salutatory lick.

"Why do we have Kiba's dog?" Konohamaru asked.

"Because we were drunk and then got placed under a genjutsu, and it caused us to do many things we wouldn't normally do and then forget them," said Sai. "Wow, you must still be affected! You didn't even remember!"

"No, Sai, I remember, I was being sarcastic," said Konohamaru.

"Although it does sound very ridiculous when you lay it all out like that," said Gaara. "Like we're in a bad filler arc of some tediously long series or something."

"Shit," said Konohamaru. "Kiba's dog. Kiba's a freaking hothead too. We've gotta get this guy back to him."

"Fond of stealing animals, I see," said a gruff voice. "Four fools thought they could outsmart Lord Killer Bee. Though when he tracked them down, he only found three. Naruto better be returning my tiger, or you'll have to face me!"

They turned around to see the eccentric jinchuuriki of the Eight Tails. "Lord Bee! My man! What is up, dawg?" asked Konohamaru.

"Don't _dawg_ me, ya fool! I've got some very unflattering footage of you!" Bee accused.

"Footage?" asked Gaara shakily. "What kind of footage?"

Killer Bee took a tape out of his pocket. "Footage you'd want erased, Lord Kazekage, but there is a fee you fools must pay."

"Absolutely," said Gaara.

"One hour," said Bee. "You have one hour to return that tiger to me, at my vacation home on the River Li."

"There is no River Li," Sai said.

"I KNOW THERE'S NO RIVER LI YOU FOOL!" shouted Bee. "I just needed to finish my rhyme! When I'm conversating, I gotta improv sometimes! Rhyming all the time is hard, but I gotta reputation to uphold! I'm Lord Killer Bee, and my raps are gold!"

"You could always...fuck rhyming," said Sai.

"Fuck rhyming?! FUCK RHYMING?! Is this fool for real?"

"You must excuse Sai, Lord Bee," said Konohamaru. "He had childhood trauma that impaired his ability to know when to shut the fuck up."

"I only mean to say, I think the world would understand, instead of making up something that doesn't exist to make a rhyme, that you are a normal person and don't need to rap all the time...," Sai continued.

"Fool! Ya fool! I've gotta keep my skills sharp! But enough about me. I expect my tiger before dark."

"Wait!" said Konohamaru. "You could...ya know, take it now."

"Do I look like I came here to transport a tiger? You brought it here. You can bring it back...ger...ehh, fuck rhyming. Killer Bee, OUT!" And he was gone.

The boys all looked at each other. "Okay, so back to Kiba's dog," said Konohamaru.

"Oh no," said Gaara. "He said there was a tape. We need to get him that tiger before he does something with that tape."

"Alright, alright, alright," said Konohamaru. "So how are we gonna do that?"

"Gaara can use his sand," said Sai.

"Because the tiger is just going to sit nicely on sand," said Konohamaru.

"If I enclose it in a sphere, it should work," said Gaara.

"Alright, cool," said Konohamaru. "We'll take the tiger back to Bee, then we'll get Akamaru back to Kiba. What could go wrong?"


	4. Chapter 4

Gaara successfully trapped the tiger.

"This is why you're Kazekage!" Konohamaru exclaimed. "Alright, let's go!"

"Problem," said Gaara.

"Problem? Already? But you're the Kazekage!" whined Konohamaru.

"The sand sphere won't fit through the door," said Gaara.

"Oh, shit," said Konohamaru. "I've got this." Konohamaru punched and kicked frantically at the wall, making a gaping hole in the side of the hotel.

Sai was halfway through opening the bathroom window, staring in shock and horror. "This window...was big enough..." he said.

"Oh," said Konohamaru. "Well, erm, look, Gaara, options!"

"Just get the damn car," said Gaara.

Bee's vacation home in the Land of Fire was located along a river (not called Li) about ten miles south of Konoha. Konohamaru drove with Sai shotgun, and Gaara sat in the back with the tiger sphere floating above his head. The boys had almost reached their destination when they encountered a mountain.

"RISING UP, BACK ON THE STREET, DID MY TIME, TOOK MY CHANCES!" Konohamaru sang, flying down the open road. The road tunneled through the mountain.

"KONOHAMARU! SLOW DOWN! I'M NOT SURE THE SPHERE WILL-!" Gaara shouted. He didn't need to finish the sentence. Konohamaru barreled into the tunnel, and the sphere slammed into the side of the mountain.

Konohamaru slammed on the brakes. They were in the center of the tunnel. "So...," Konohamaru began, "the sphere is still good, right?"

"Umm, no," said Gaara.

"But the tiger?" asked Konohamaru.

A roar from behind them answered that question. The tiger pounced on Konohamaru, pinning him to the ground.

"The tiger is safe!" exclaimed Sai.

And so they wrestled with the tiger. Gaara was able to reconstruct the sphere, but Konohamaru had a nasty scar across his left cheek and down his neck.

"Oh, sweet!" Konohamaru exclaimed, checking the damage in the car's mirror. "This looks badass! I look like I was in a _really_ important battle now!"

"Just drive the damn car," Gaara growled.

Killer Bee was waiting with them at the gate. He was staring at a giant clock around his neck. "Just in time," he declared when they pulled up next to him with the tiger in the sphere.

"Where do you want this?" Gaara asked.

"Follow me," Bee said. They followed him around his massive estate which was essentially a miniature zoo with a mansion in the center. The tiger's enclosure was the largest, complete with a small lake and waterfall.

"This tiger lives better than me," Konohamaru groaned.

"Fluffy's a special, majestic creature, ya know?" Bee said. Once Gaara had lowered Fluffy back into her enclosure, Bee jumped in and wrestled with her.

"Lord Bee," Gaara said, "we have some questions for you about last night."

"You want to watch the tape?" Bee asked. "C'mon then, boys, but beware of the ape."

"I don't see a-" Sai started, but Konohamaru and Gaara both slapped their hands over Sai's mouth.

Bee's mansion was just as impressive on the inside, decorated with strange artifacts from his journeys around the world. Sai started asking Bee, one by one, about each of the artifacts before Bee popped in the VHS tape and pushed him onto the couch in front of the TV.

"I record the goings on around here, so while I'm gone, my mind is clear," said Bee. "When you were here last night, ya'll were acting kinda funky. Crazier even than my favorite monkey."

"We were under a genjutsu," explained Gaara.

"And we were drunk off our asses," Konohamaru added.

"Ohhh, okay," said Bee. "I hear that, loud and clear. It ain't no bachelor party without a lake of beer."

"Actually, we were pounding sake," said Konohamaru.

"Woooo, fool, I knew that chick be crazy!" said Bee.

"Oh no no no, not Saki," said Konohamaru, "but I'd totes hit that."

"Fool, errybody want to hit that. I think even Kakashi want to hit that," said Bee.

"Look! It's Naruto!" Sai exclaimed.

On the screen, Naruto was making drunken clones and sending them into Fluffy's enclosure. Konohamaru, Sai and Gaara picked up Naruto and tossed him in. Fluffy leapt at Naruto, and in a panic, Naruto grabbed Fluffy and threw her out of the enclosure. Gaara caught Fluffy, and Konohamaru, in a panic, punched Fluffy, knocking her out. Gaara started carrying Fluffy back to the enclosure, but the other three pushed him along off Bee's property.

"Well, this is most unflattering," said Sai.

Bee was glaring at Konohamaru and ripped his beer out of his hands. Konohamaru hung his head. "I'm sorry, man! I was protecting my bro!"

"You threw your bro into a tiger cage," said Bee.

"Yeah...well...this is Naruto we're talking about! He fought a goddess! The tiger was just shits and giggles," said Konohamaru.

"I do not think you're helping," said Sai.

"Lord Bee, I am willing to offer you whatever reparations you want," said Gaara.

"No no no," said Bee. "You and your bros, to me nothing owe. I remember when I was young and wild. Sake and genjutsu? You're suffering enough, child."

"Oh, good," said Konohamaru breathing a sigh of relief. "You're a good man, Bee. Thanks for understanding."

"Good luck in searching for my homie Nine-Tails," said Bee. "I'll see you at the wedding, unless of course you fools fail."

Relieved, the three unlikely bros left Lord Bee's vacation home. Gaara took the wheel, Sai shotgun, and Konohamaru stretched out in the backseat to take a nap. They pulled out of the driveway, and two ninja landed on their hood. Gaara slammed on the brakes and jerked the wheel, sending the vehicle into a tree.

"Motherfucker! What'd you do?!" Konohamaru exclaimed.

"We have guests," said Gaara.

"And we have no car," said Sai.

Sai was right. The hood of the car was completely smashed in. The two ninja, who had leapt into the tree, descended again.

"Sorry, guys, didn't meant to scare you!" said Kiba. "Oh man, that sucks."

"We've been looking all over for you," said Shino.

Kiba opened the trunk and cursed. "Where's Akamaru?"

"Back at the hotel room," said Gaara. "We had to come here to return...something...to Lord Bee, then we were going to bring Akamaru back to you, I swear."

Kiba looked exhausted. He rested an arm on Gaara's shoulder. "This is fucked up, man."

"I'm so sorry, Kiba. It's a long story...," said Gaara. "I'll pay you any reparations-"

"Reparations? What for?" asked Kiba.

"For taking Akamaru. You see, last night, we were-"

"Placed under a genjutsu while heavily inebriated," finished Kiba. "We know."

"You do?"

"Guys," said Kiba, "I was _there_. I was there, and I know where Naruto is."


	5. Chapter 5

"Well," Kiba continued, "I know who Naruto is with. We got a message from the rogues this morning. They have him, and they're demanding $80,000 in return for his ransom."

"$80,000! Buddha, that's more than I make in a year!" Konohamaru exclaimed.

"It's more than any of us make in a year," said Kiba.

"Well, most of us," said Gaara.

"So what are we waiting for?" asked Sai. "Let's go get Naruto."

"Wait, why did we have Akamaru?" asked Gaara.

"The rogues we were tracking? They're bounty hunters," said Kiba. "They collect valuable artifacts from ninja villages and sell them to other ninja villages for profit. We had a tip they were doing business out of Senju's Palace, and that's when we ran into you. When we went up to have a drink with you guys, we found out they were staying in the room next door, and all of us went in to bust them."

"Oh, we're badass!" exclaimed Konohamaru.

"Yeah, but they were way better shinobi than we were expecting. They trapped you guys in a weird genjutsu, and Shino, Akamaru and I escaped. We were going back to the capitol to tell Kakashi what we were facing. We left Akamaru with Kakashi because the rogues had taken an interest in him. When we came back to finish off the rogues, they were gone. We tracked them all the way to the border of the Land of Fire and the Land of Tea. Of course, we don't have jurisdiction in the Land of Tea, so Kakashi had to secure a warrant for us to search there. He got the warrant, and then I asked him for Akamaru. He said he thought we had changed our mind about leaving Akamaru since he didn't have him. That's when we realized Kakashi's car had been exchanged for yours, and we started tracking you guys."

"So the rogues must have taken Naruto to the Land of Tea," said Konohamaru.

"No, that's not right," said Sai. "Naruto was with us the entire night. In all of the places we've been, Naruto has been there too, according to everyone who saw us. So when those rogues went to the Land of Tea, they didn't take Naruto."

"They must have come back for him later that night," said Kiba.

"But wait," said Shino, "that doesn't make sense either. We tracked their scent all the way to the Land of Tea. It's impossible that they went all the way home and came all the way back in one night."

"And why are they ransoming Naruto for _only_ $80,000? They obviously don't have a clue who he is," said Gaara.

"Wait, what the fuck? Naruto can't get captured by rogues! He's fucking Naruto!" Konohamaru cried. "He'd have pounded their asses into the ground."

"Well, there is the genjutsu to consider," said Sai. "And the booze."

"So what's our next move?" asked Konohamaru. "Go kick some rogue butt, get our bro back and get him to the church on time?"

"Woah, hold on," said Gaara. "We need to hash out a strategy. These are not your average rogues. They are highly skilled psychic ninja, and I for one, do not feel like getting my memory wiped again."

"Why fight them?" asked Sai. "We could just pay them."

"$80,000!" everyone cried at once.

"But guys," said Sai, "we are staying at Senju's Palace."

"Yeah, what of it?" asked Konohamaru.

"It is a casino," Sai said.

"And I'm a ninja," said Konohamaru. "And the sky is blue. And grass is..."

"Shut up," said Gaara. "Sai, you can't be serious. Gambling is never a sure thing."

"Only if you are bad at it," said Sai.

"But that's the thing. It's unpredictable," said Kiba.

"No predictions. Just counting," said Sai.

"Counting what?" asked Konohamaru.

"YOU CAN COUNT CARDS?!" the others shouted in unison.

"Everyone always asks me how I learned to draw so well," said Sai. "It is because I have a photographic memory. I can remember which cards have already been played. If you can do that, then knowing which cards the dealer may draw is simple. And winning money is much more simple. I can make $80,000 in no time."

"BRUH!" shouted Konohamaru. "You've been holding out on us! You had this amazing superpower the whole time? How are you not rich by now?"

"Because it's illegal," said Kiba. "In some casinos, ninja aren't allowed at all."

"But Senju's Palace isn't one of those casinos," said Shino.

"Are we actually considering this?" asked Gaara.

"We will have to make a plan," said Sai. "And I will need you guys to help. But yes, I am confident we can do this."

So the boys rushed back to the still trashed hotel room. While picking up the place, they formulated their plan. Kiba and Shino acted as spotters. They sat at different tables getting a feel for the way the game was going. When a table was hot, Sai and Konohamaru moved in. Konohamaru's job was to play the idiot and distract everyone from Sai. Gaara and Hana played newlyweds on their honeymoon, with Hana as an alluring ditzy girl having beginner's luck. And because she still thought Gaara's name was Goku, nobody was the wiser.

* * *

"$82,400," said Sai, plopping the last wad of cash onto the bed. "That is enough, right?"

"That's _more_ than enough!" exclaimed Kiba.

"So we get to keep the $2,400, right?" asked Konohamaru.

"I don't see why not!" said Kiba. Akamaru barked in agreement.

Konohamaru picked up a stack and started counting himself out a cut, but Gaara slapped his hand. "After we rescue Naruto, alright?" Gaara scolded.

"Right!" exclaimed Konohamaru. "What are we going to carry all of this money in?"

One by one, their eyes fell on the empty pizza boxes in the corner.

So our boys loaded up their winnings and followed Akamaru's nose to the border of the Land of Fire and the Land of Tea. The rogues were dressed in black body suits that only revealed their eyes. They were identical except for the one who had his arms tied behind his back, who had bright blue eyes and spiky hair.

"NARUTO!" shouted Konohamaru. Konohamaru rushed forward to embrace Naruto, but the lead rogue stopped him.

"First, the money," the rogue demanded.

"No!" Konohamaru spat, but Gaara rested his hand on his shoulder.

"Fine," said Gaara.

"Bruh...!" protested Konohamaru, but Gaara gave him a stern look, and he relented.

Kiba and Shino stepped forward with the pizza boxes full of cash. The rogues opened each one and meticulously counted it all. They nodded to each other silently, and the leader stood up and brought Naruto forward. Konohamaru, Sai, and Gaara all stood with open arms to receive their friend. Tears welling up in their eyes, they wrapped their arms around him, and found themselves hugging only themselves. An empty body suit dropped to their feet.

"WHAT?!" shouted the boys.

"WHAT?!" shouted the rogues.

"What have you done with Naruto?!" Konohamaru shouted, throwing punches and kicks.

"Nothing, we swear! What jutsu is this? Ow, you FUCKER!" the rogues responded, returning Konohamaru's punches and kicks.

"FUCK!" Kiba shouted, falling to the ground.

Gaara conjured some sand and sent it between Konohamaru and the rogues. "Shadow clone," he said. "All this time...we've been tracking...a shadow clone."

Konohamaru started to cry. "But where's Naruto? Where's our best friend?"

Gaara looked at Shino, and Shino shrugged. The rogues backed away slowly before disappearing from the scene with all of the money.

"Sai," said Gaara, "prepare a scroll. We must send a message to Hinata."

"Oh, Buddha, no," whimpered Kiba. "You can't tell me he's lost."

"We've been everywhere," said Konohamaru. "If he's not with the rogues, then he's...lost. But he'll come back, right?"

"But there's no telling what he's gotten himself into," said Gaara. "Look, I know, Naruto is the most amazing person we know. And I know he loves Hinata more than anything. He will return to her, but...by the look of the position of the sun, the wedding is today. Hinata must know why her groom will not be there. Sai, prepare a scroll."

"Shino, let's go to her," said Kiba. "She's going to go through the roof. We need to keep her from doing anything reckless."

Sai froze as he was unravelling the scroll. He stared at Kiba. "Say that again?"

"Hinata is going to be pissed," said Kiba. "I know she looks sweet and soft, but-"

"No no no," Sai interrupted. "No paraphrase. Say what you said before, again."

Kiba scratched his head. "I said...she's going to go through the roof."

"The roof," repeated Sai.

"Ohhh, it's a metaphor Sai," said Kiba. "It means-"

"The _roof!_ " Sai repeated.

"Yes, but in this case-!" said Kiba.

"The ROOF!" exclaimed Gaara.

"Okay, _what?_ " Kiba stammered.

"THE ROOF IS ON FIRE!" shouted Konohamaru.

"Oh, Buddha, this must be an effect of the genjutsu. RELEASE!" Kiba said.

Gaara slapped Konohamaru. "No, you idiot, the roof! THE ROOF!" He shook Konohamaru until Konohamaru's jaw dropped.

"OHHHH MY FUCKING GOD! THE FUCKING ROOF!" Konohamaru shouted.

"WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?! LET'S GO TO THE ROOF!" Sai exclaimed.

"Kiba, Shino, FOLLOW US! WE KNOW WHERE NARUTO IS!" Gaara ordered.

And they ran away at breakneck speed. Kiba, Shino and Akamaru stared at each other, shrugged, and followed.

* * *

"WE ARE FIGHTING DREAMERS SEEKING FOR A HIGH DREAM! WE ARE FIGHTING DREAMERS DON'T CARE HOW WE BEHAVE! WE ARE FIGHTING DREAMERS AS YOU BELIEVE IN EEE-OHHH, EEE-OHHH, EEE-OHHH, EEE-OHHH, JUST GO MY WAY!" the boys sang as they bounded onto the roof of Senju's Palace.

"NARUTO! NARUTO, BRO, WE'RE HERE! WE WERE UNDER A GENJUTSU, SO WE FORGOT WHERE YOU WERE, BUT NOW WE'RE HERE, AND IT'S OKAY! IT'S OKAY!" Konohamaru rushed around the roof shouting. The rest of the team stood together, dumbfounded. "NARUTO! NARUTO! COME OUT, COME OUT, WHEREVER YOU ARE!"

"Stop," commanded Gaara.

"But... NO! WHAT? HE HAS TO BE HERE!" Konohamaru persisted. "How can he not be here?!"

"He's not here," said Gaara. "Look around. No Naruto."

"But that doesn't make any sense!" Konohamaru exclaimed. "This is how it ends! We put him on the roof last night after he passed out, and then we forgot because of the genjutsu, but we retraced all of our steps and this is the part where we're supposed to find him, and take him to Hinata, and they live happily ever after, just like a movie!"

"Where are you going, following someone else's map?" asked Sai.

"Huh?" said Konohamaru.

"Maybe an insightful crow came and tore it up," Sai said sagely.

"I thought it was a multicolored raven," said Shino.

"How are those two things even the same?" asked Sai.

Shino shrugged. "Translators, man."

"What are you guys babbling about?" Konohamaru asked.

"But wait," said Gaara. "I think there's something to that."

"You're saying a BIRD took Naruto?" Konohamaru asked.

"No," said Gaara. "I'm saying, yes, Konohamaru, you are right, but, maybe there's an important difference in our story." Everyone stared at Gaara, puzzled. "Naruto is a ninja," said Gaara.

"And Akamaru is a dog," said Konohamaru. "I don't get it."

"I imagine Naruto woke up on this roof at about the same time we did," Gaara continued. "And just like us, he started to use clues to retrace his steps."

"So you're saying, Naruto is looking for us?" asked Konohamaru. "But Gaara! The door to the roof is locked!"

Everyone looked at Konohamaru blankly. "You are stupid," said Sai. "Naruto stuck on a roof would be stupid. There has been a lot of stupid in the past few days, but that would be absurd. Naruto is a ninja. He created a Shadow Clone to go with the rogues, and he obviously wasn't going to sit around waiting for us on the roof. He has gone somewhere."

Konohamaru's face brightened with understanding. "And we have trackers! Kiba, Shino, Akamaru, do your thing!"

Akamaru barked.

"What's that, boy?" asked Kiba.

Akamaru barked twice.

"Rock Lee's stuck in a well!?"

Akamaru barked three times.

"Oh no! Not Lee!" shouted Konohamaru.

"No, not Lee, dumbass," said Kiba. "Naruto's this way. Come on!"

They followed Akamaru to the Hyuuga compound. Sakura, Ino and TenTen were in their matching kimonos with flutes of champagne, looking flustered.

"THERE THEY ARE!" they shouted when the boys landed.

"WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?!" shouted Sakura.

"WHY AREN'T YOU IN YOUR TUXEDOS?!" yelled Ino.

"EVERYONE IS WAITING!" TenTen exclaimed.

"What time is it?" Gaara asked.

"2:00!" they shouted together.

"2:00! But the wedding is supposed to start at 2:00!" said Sai.

"Yeah, and Naruto's at the altar waiting! Get into your tuxes and walk us down the fuckng aisle!" Ino spat.

"NARUTO'S HERE?!" the boys yelled.

"Umm, yeah, he's been here for a whole day now, waiting for you. He had this crazy story about some rogue ninjas, and genjutsu, and a roof, and a clone, and...Gaara, did you get married?" asked TenTen.

"Yeah, I did," Gaara said, getting a dreamy look in his eye.

Konohamaru slapped him. "Dude, focus, Naruto's here! We did it! We saved him!"

"Actually, it sounds like he saved himself, and we've been running around for absolutely nothing," said Sai.

"No, it wasn't for nothing," said Gaara. "All of those insane things we did together forged bonds of friendship that will last a lifetime."

"Yeah, and that's the greatest treasure of all," agreed Konohamaru.

Mysteriously, a soft guitar and piano ballad filled the air.

"Gaara, Konohamaru, you know I don't have many friends. I have troubles with socializing with people. When Naruto asked me to be in his party of the wedding, I did not think I would be very good at it. And when we lost Naruto, I felt like I had failed. But you have accepted me as one of your own. Over the last few days with you, I felt like my life had a purpose again," Sai said. "So thank you, Gaara and Konohamaru. You are my best friends."

The boys embraced.

"Aww, that's sweet," said Ino. "NOW GET INTO YOUR TUXES AND WALK US DOWN THE FUCKING AISLE ALREADY!"

"Yeah, and turn off that cheesy-ass music!" said TenTen. "What the fuck is this? Where is that even coming from?"

The music stopped. Sakura pulled the boys apart. "Tuxes. Aisle. NOW!" she ordered.

And so the boys found Naruto at the center of the Hyuuga compound, at the end of an aisle, surrounded on either side with all of their friends and acquaintances. And after the vows have been said and the cake had been cut, they sat down and shared with him the details of their insane quest (the ones they could remember, at least).

"I can't believe you guys went through all of that trouble!" Naruto exclaimed. "Yeah, I made that clone to distract the rogues before we fell under the genjutsu. I woke up on the roof, slept off my hangover and then came here. I didn't think you'd freak out like that. I'm really sorry. Guess I should have left a note or something."

The boys clinked glasses and threw back shots of sake.

"Goku?" came a quiet voice. Gaara's eyes widened and turned around.

"Hana?" he asked. He sprang out of his chair. "Oh, Hana! I'm so glad you're here! I have so much I want to tell you!"

"Oh, Goku!" She grabbed Gaara and shoved her tongue down his throat. When she'd finished sucking his face, she looked over his shoulder and waved. "I finally found a babysitter for Otokonoko. Better late than never, right? Oh, hey, Totoro! Congratulations!"

"Thanks, Hana!" said Naruto.

"Hana," said Gaara. "I have a confession to make. I haven't been all that truthful with you."

"Okay," said Hana.

"First of all, my name is not Goku. It's Gaara. And this is my best friend Naruto, not Totoro," Gaara said.

"Okay?" asked Hana, puzzled.

"I am the Kazekage of the Village Hidden in the Sand," Gaara declared.

"Oh my," Hana said, eyes wide. Her face turned red. "I'm married to...oh my..."

"Well," said Gaara, "since the marriage license says 'Goku,' I don't think we're legally married."

"Ohhh," she sighed. "Right. Okay. I understand."

"But wait," said Gaara. "Hana, the way I feel when I'm with you, it's amazing. I really like the person that I am with you, and I don't want to lose that. You are beautiful, and kind, and I would be honored if you would come home with me and be my wife. Hana, will you marry me for real?"

Hana gasped, and tears started to fill her eyes. Sai pulled out his camera and snapped a picture, and Hana said, "Oh, Gaara..."

"Yes?" Gaara whispered.

"No," she said.

"NO?!" everyone shouted.

"Gaara, you and I are from different worlds! And I kinda like my world. I'm sorry," she said.

"But," said Gaara, "but you'd live like a queen! You would want for nothing! You wouldn't have to dance half naked on a pole for degenerates!"

"Gaara, I like stripping," said Hana. "I know you think you're saving me from some terrible life, but I don't need to be saved. I'm sorry. Goodbye, Gaara. Goodbye, Naruto. Goodbye, Sai. See you tomorrow, Konohamaru." Hana kissed Gaara gently before walking away. Gaara stared blankly as she disappeared into the crowd.

Konohamaru and Sai placed a hand on either one of Gaara's shoulders. "I'm sorry, bro," said Konohamaru.

"She is really dumb," said Sai. "Forget her. There is someone out there for you."

"Konohamaru," said Naruto. "Where's the car?"

"The car?" asked Konohamaru, turning around. "What car?"

Kakashi was sitting next to Naruto. "The car that I gave you for Naruto," said Kakashi. "I didn't want to tell you, because I knew you'd spoil the surprise, but it was a wedding gift for Naruto."

"Oh, that car is totaled," said Sai. "We slammed it into a tree on our way back from Lord Bee's after we returned the tiger."

"Tiger? Goodness, you boys had a wilder night than I imagined," said Kakashi. "Well, I'm sorry, Naruto. It's my fault for letting you guys use it before today."

"Hey, look," said Sai. "My camera! It has pictures from the bachelor party!"

"Aww, no way!" shouted Konohamaru. "Gaara, come on, get in on this!"

Gaara was still staring in the direction Hana had left.

"Gaara...," Naruto said sympathetically.

Gaara looked up at the sky. "I don't know who I am anymore," he said. "I feel like a pawn in someone else's twisted fantasy."

"Bruh," said Konohamaru. "These have been some weird days. Like, I gotta confess, I haven't understood half of the words coming out of my mouth." He looked at the sky.

"If I could meet the force that determines our destiny," said Sai, "do you know what I would say?"

"What's that, Sai?" asked Naruto.

Sai looked up at the sky and raised his fist. Gaara and Konohamaru followed suit. Together, they extended their middle fingers.


End file.
